to my first love

You know how I am. Can't let things go. I know I’m beating our memories to death, trying to figure things out, looking for missed signs, tiny mistakes. It is hard to focus on the negatives, you know? Most of the time I have to stop myself because I end up missing you. Not too much. Just a tad bit. I was never as emotional as you. Although, I am about to tell you a story and am tearing up a bit remembering how much you loved my stories from Afghanistan. Anyway, I think I mostly figured it out and am ready to let go, to move on.

When I was in fifth grade, 10 years old, my school bus driver was this guy we called Kaka Esmat. I mean, I am saying school bus, but it was really just a taxi the school had contracted. Anyway, he loved driving. He told us when he was 12 years old, his brother bought a car. Kaka Esmat was really excited about getting to drive that car. But obviously no one would let him. So sometimes when Kaka Esmat's brother was taking a nap, he would start the car by jamming a screwdriver into the ignition and go for a ride. Looking back, I think he could have seriously injured himself and others! Operating a car at 12 with no supervision?! what was he thinking? But that was not my thought when I was 10 and hearing this story. At 10, I would think but his brother will be angry when he gets back! and I didn't understand why he did that. I am more mature now, so my line of thought has changed. But the part that gets me is his disregard to consequences. Sweetie, it is the excitement that blinds the mind. He was not thinking about the consequences, he was just a kid who wanted to drive a car.

I finally figured it out. Baby, hear me out. This is my side of the story. I asked you to go on a ride with me. You were excited. You got in the car and started driving. I wanted to drive around the neighborhood, but you headed for the highway. I told you people were going to be angry. You said it didn't matter, and that you wanted to keep driving. I knew my folks would be angry, but I didn't care. You told me your folks love it when you have fun so it didn't matter. You headed for the highway. I asked you how you knew where to go. You said you were following the Invisible Guide. I told you I had to be somewhere. You told me you'd take me there, and that you wanted to keep driving. We entered the highway. We were the happiest we'd ever been. I told you I trusted you with the Invisible Guide, but when it was my turn to take the wheel, I would just drive in the direction of the place I had to be because I couldn't see the Invisible Guide. You were ok with it and you wanted to keep driving. Your folks called. They were upset that we were driving together. They were worried we would get lost because I couldn't see the Invisible Guide. You got scared. You didn't want to drive anymore. You dropped me off on the side of the highway. 

I get it now. it is the excitement of being able to drive that blinds you, so you won't think about the consequences. You weren't thinking. The entire time we were together, you were the 12 year old child in the presence of a car. You never thought about the consequences I was trying to get you to think about. it is only after you see the rage in your brother's eyes, it is only after you crash the car that you start thinking. You did not have the emotional maturity. I don't know how that happens. I don't know how you can be so painfully emotionally naive at 23 years old, but that's what was happening. It cost us our first love, and 6 months of our lives to learn that about you. I hope at least now you know. 

I got my first dose of Pfizer today. When I was in line in my car, I got talking to a couple of volunteers. Don't ask me how, but breakups came up. They both told me the first one is the hardest one. They told me I was a badass. That I was well on my way to be great. That it was your loss. They told me to not hate you. I didn't tell them you're my stupidest, and bestest friend. Right before I left, the lady said "I hope your heart breaks more. The breaks are sad but falling in love is so so so fun!" and I believe her. Falling in love is very fun. I am looking forward to meeting my next experience. Whoever they maybe. Whenever that might happen. I hope to god they won't break me. but if they do, I'll move on. First one is always the hardest, isn't it? And I'm already over you. Just had to find a way to explain the whole thing. Now that I know, I am ready to move on.